Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
