I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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