I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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