i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize