So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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