So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
