mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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