did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I smell like Dick and happiness
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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