can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
