Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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