I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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