new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
