I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
