I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You're so nebulous sometimes
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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