lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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