I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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