We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
