I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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