I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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