even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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