Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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