i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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