you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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