My liver just broke up with me...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
