So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Two words: blizzard sex
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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