If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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