you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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