So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
