we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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