Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
