me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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