No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
