I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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