White coat. Heels.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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