Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize