The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
