I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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