I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
