At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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