Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
