Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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