2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
