i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize