I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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