Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
