I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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