I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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