I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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