It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
