It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Holy sore nipples Batman
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
