You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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