my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
