Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
