Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
