i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
